Because of some mental and emotional things I am going through right now, I wanted to write an additional diary this week to deal with that. Part II of my travel diary for London will be published in my usual time slot on Tuesday. My computer is still at the repair shop, so the photo diary is still being postponed.
As the title implies, I have a big fear of confrontation. Before the term “ghosting” came into the lexicon, I would cut friends and acquaintances off whenever I felt I needed to confront someone over an issue I had with them always without telling them. I have lost a number of good friends because something bad happened and I couldn’t deal with trying to work the problem out. If, on the other hand, it was a person I couldn’t easily cut out of my life, I would become more “submissive” in that I would suppress my feelings and needs in a pathological need to keep the other person happy no matter how it might affect my health, mental state, etc. The last year I have been working on understanding and accepting real friends would rather know what issues are developing and working through them rather than letting me sacrifice my health and well being over some misguided notion of needing to keep them happy.
Over the last week, I have been thinking about and replaying the trip I took to London. Before I left, I discussed this with my friend in the context of the amount of walking we might be doing. I wanted him to be aware that I could potentially slip and push myself too hard because sometimes I get frustrated with having a chronic illness and don’t want to feel like a drag on people. What I neglected to tell him was this issue could come up in other contexts. Not really a surprise that it did.
Outside of super close friends and family, I had not had a roommate since college when I lived in an on campus apartment with three other guys. While my roommates changed every year, it never went well for me due to my aforementioned issues. This trip was the first time I would have a roommate for multiple days who wasn’t someone with whom I had a long term history and could trust completely. On one hand, this was a good thing as I could use it as a way to work on issues I was working through in therapy; on the other hand, there were many potentials for pitfalls to come up. Since I am writing this diary, it shouldn’t be surprising they did.
My fears were triggered by the second night and I quickly started behaving the way I didn’t want. Because we had discussed my physical health needs, I was able to keep my promise of not pushing myself too hard and potentially putting my physical health at risk. Inside the flat, I was reverting to my old issues. Because I was in a situation where I had no choice but to remain, I felt myself doing whatever I could to keep my friend happy. In my head that meant agreeing with whatever he wanted whether or not he would have been ok if I disagreed with something, My fear of confrontation manifests itself as anything I might want must be bad for the other person due to how people have treated me in the past and the self-doubt and low self-esteem I develop growing up. To me, unless the other person wants what I want, it must be wrong if only I want it.
Sometimes I will gather the courage to subtly drop a hint or two about how I am really feeling. The problem is the hints I drop are so subtle they are almost impossible to pick up on. This only allows me to mentally reinforce my fears. Essentially, I use it as a way to reinforce my fears and commit self-sabotage.
I realized a few days ago I needed to discuss my feelings regarding my trip with him to continue my progress in therapy and to build a stronger bond between us. I reached out to him to let him know I wanted to talk and to have him let me know when would be good for him after he gets back from his trip. Last night I began writing out what I want to discuss as a long form letter. I had to stop numerous times as I would start uncontrollably shaking from how uncomfortable I was with what I was writing. I only got through one page and the triggering it was causing me was epic. If it is this tough to write my thoughts and feelings on paper, I can only imagine how difficult it will be for me to discuss it with him. Thankfully, I have therapy on Tuesday so I can probably talk through some stuff and prepare myself for when I am able to talk with my friend.
I am open to any thoughts or advice you all have. This might be a rough few days for me. I promise Tuesday’s diary will focus on the fun stuff from the second half of my trip.
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